streamofconsciousness

I wrote the following very quickly, though not in the one sitting. Just thought you should know, for the sake of full disclosure…

Is it possible to write a blog such as this and not censor oneself? I doubt it, as I can already tell that my fingers cannot keep up with my mind and, in this instance, even the punctuation betrays any intent to write as quickly, and as freely, as my mind dictates. And it’s not only the mechanics of writing that betray my intent at removing any possibility of self-censorship; I am also deeply aware of grammatical structures and the need to make sense. But why this need to make sense if all I am really doing is expressing myself and whatever thoughts happen to come out of my very noisy head? Well, part of the issue is a paradoxical relationship between wanting to express myself without self-censorship and the deep desire to communicate something of myself – whether it be an idea or a portrait of myself – via the written word. I write because I want to connect with someone. In this case you, dear reader. And I write also because I wish to unburden my mind of an accumulation of thoughts that, after a while, begin to weigh heavy on my mind. But in order to cultivate this connection with you, I cannot afford to alienate you. And alienation can come in many forms – poor writing, poor grammar, poor expression, poor choice of topic, and a general sense of meandering meaninglessness. I must acknowledge your time is valuable and, for whatever reason you have chosen to take some time out of your busy day to spend a little time with me, you may not be as freely predisposed to literary (please excuse the aspirational intent) experimentation as I am, whose time is perhaps less valuable than yours. However I can’t help but wonder whether the possibility of ever breaking the shackles of my touch typing limitations, together with a fear of losing that connection, as well as the likelihood of writing nothing but pure dross, would eventually furnish me with a freedom of expression that would be tantamount to the feelings experienced during surfing, skiing, riding a motorbike on a country road – or perhaps free-falling from a very high altitude. It also strikes me the pursuit of such  freedom in this writing is really another expression of a broader search; a search that might yield a similar experience in other walks of life – imagine a sense of unencumbered movement and decision making in the pursuit of our own careers, our own passions, and our own destinies. Too lofty? Perhaps, but I do think these little micro-speculations, at least for me, point to bigger aspirations. This is especially the case for me at work, where it is often difficult to align my desire for freedom and creativity with the often mundane, but necessary, aspects of the daily work routine. And I’m sure I’m not alone. But at the same time I try similar ‘micro’-experiments at work, trying different things out and seeing how they fit, how people react and, most importantly, how much I can get away with. You’d be surprised. Or perhaps not. But I do believe that by maintaining at least a very thin thread of creativity that weaves through the every day, then the outcome is often delectable subversion. Try it sometime. It’s a welcome reprieve from the mundane. Self-censorship is often a social necessity, but when that necessity morphs into a moral imperative for everything we say, do or write, then I think we need to rethink. And if we cannot think outside the square, then try thinking really really fast inside it. Something’s bound to spill out.